03 November 2009

A Pants-Letter That Will Not Be Sent

Dear Jolly Green Giant:

Hey, how are things down in the valley? Is Sprout doing okay? Good! Good to hear it... Now that we've got the pleasantries out of the way, would you like to explain just what the fuck kind of sick joke those "Green Bites" are? Seriously, you and me need to have a little "Come To Jesus" Talk, Jolly -- I can call you that, right? I don't care -- you owe me, big-time, green man, and I'm not just talking about the $3.97 you schystered me out of at the Price Chopper earlier. No -- this is a blood debt, as far as I'm concerned.

You know, when I saw the shiny bag nestled in with the rest of the frozen vegetables, I got a strange electric thrill. I just knew it was something different, something a little more exotic than "yellow corn with butter sauce," which, I hate to be overly negative, is also not some of your best work.

"Green Bites!" I thought to myself. "What are these?!"

The bag promises that they are broccoli & cheese in breading. As a person that relishes the thought of entire, delightful meals comprised of nothing more than what can be purchased at bowling alley snack bars, I can assure you that the marriage of that trinity can be extremely tasty -- if carefully executed. "Execution" does, indeed, come to mind, having now sampled your product -- but in this case, I just want a cigarette and a blindfold. Maybe a Mariachi band -- that's how deeply scarred I am at this point.

Seriously -- I need to know this: HOW do you fuck up broccoli?! I love broccoli -- it's tasty, green goodness. I believe that the inherent pureness of broccoli's good-for-me-flavor is enough to trump the bad of breading and deep frying it with some cheese-like substances.

I almost want to run a straight razor down my tongue in hopes of ridding my mouth of this FUNK that the Green Bites left there. These are HORRIBLE -- there isn't an adjective that adequately conveys my feelings of loss, disappointment and disgust.

I expected more from you, Green Giant. I really, really did.


Joy M. Cranky-Pants, Pissed off & Now ILL consumer

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